Ohhhhh dear. I do not want to grow up. How did this happen so fast? Why am I sitting here at 10:28 at night in my host families kitchen searching for answers to my life...on the internet? Ahhh ENGLISH!!! Why did I type "host families kitchen"??! That doesn't even make sense!
I have given up on being a game designer, again. For the time being, anyway. I know what my problem is: I don't have just one passion. People that are, for example, really passionate about writing and writing only naturally will become writers and will be writers until they die, happy and fulfilled. I have never had a consistent passion last for more than a few years.
I am such a skippity person. My hobbies change weekly, my goals...daily, and even my thoughts come and go in frenetic three second blurbs, before they are replaced with a massive torrent of 983 other thoughts to fill their place. I can't stick to plans well. I hate schedules. I was not made for conforming into a single work-droid who follows the pressures of the world around her and lives her life on the same line from birth to death. I don't FIT IN BOXES!!! I will passionately commit to something, put all my effort into it, see it through till the end, and then once it is finished put it down as a good experience and completely change course and try something new.
How can a person like that be expected to choose a career to follow for the next fifty years? I could choose a career for a three year chunk, maybe even make it four. But the thought of being pinned down to the SAME thing year after year terrifies me. This world is too beautiful and fascinating a place not to experience every bit of it.
And I am already so old. Please, please, dear sixty-five and seventy year old readers; please do NOT chastise me. I am old. I am seventeen and I was sixteen three minutes ago and fifteen an hour ago and twelve last week. I'm gonna be fourty-five and trapped tomorrow and I'm going to die of old age in a month. My life is slipping through my fingers like sand. No, not like sand. Like water.
I feel like I am a little ship with no sails in the middle of a stormy sea. I can't grasp a direction in life. And going the way the wind takes me has always worked for me in the past. But now the world is telling me I have to grow up and choose a career and I about wanna PUKE. I have to drop anchor, right now. "Oh, not right now, you have PLENTY of time...you're so young yet!" But no, I am a Junior in high school, so at this exact moment I have to choose a college and a major.
I want to learn some card tricks and take some singing lessons so I can pack up my host dad's guitar and like, a spare sweatshirt and go live as a street performer. That is living. And also the voice of ignorance, I know.
See, that's the thing about me. I am perfectly equal parts realist and idealist. I will come up with an excellent idea and then immediately shoot it down.
I don't know how to choose my career. I am talented at art, I love math and solving problems, reading comes as naturally to me as breathing, I have determination and people skills, I am comfortable with my ability to speak Japanese; I am going to learn Spanish next and then Mandarin Chinese, I have a knack for computers...
I am a well-rounded Jack-of-All-Trades. One who doesn't necessarily prefer one trade over the other and is being presented with the need to choose, and choose one for life.
What on Earth am I going to do with myself?
I would love to come back to Japan, but maybe not live here. I don't want to be old.
My youth is slipping out of my grasp and I am so worried about that fact that I am spending all my time worrying and not enjoying my youth as I have it now.
I have not been this disoriented in a long, long time.
Somebody please advise me.
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I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have no idea what I want to do because I have so many things I love to do!!! And I don't want to be stuck in one job unless I absolutely adore it. Have you thought about jobs that move around? Like writing for National Geographic or doing medicine in foreign countries or something? Don't let it get you down while you're still in Japan! Enjoy the rest of the time you have there. Don't worry about a job yet- often I realize things (or remember them if I've forgotten) when I finally stop trying so hard to think of the answers and just relax (and stop stressing). Keep having fun in Japan, and don't stress yourself over a job just yet!!!
And it's nice to know that there's someone else who's having this same annoyance, too :) Keep rockin' Japan!!!
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